I am Galt

Exploring Rule the World by Michael Kiwanuka

I was lucky enough to see Michael Kiwanuka play live this week and it was a moving experience that has stuck with me even days later. One song in particular resonated with me, Rule the World. Check it out at one of these, I’ll sit tight while you listen:

YouTube link to live session
Spotify link

Now, I hadn’t heard this song before the show so it wasn’t one that I was waiting for. But it was the one that hit me hardest. And it has lingered with me both because the music is hauntingly beautiful and because the message is so poignant to my life.

The opening lyric, Do I have to rule the world, captures something that I am struggling with. I have lived for as long as I can remember as if I do indeed have to rule the world. As if it’s all on me, success, happiness, living the good life; all of that is on me to deliver to myself. And by ruling the world, rather than just ruling my little slice of it, I feel the pressure to be the best it’s not enough to be good. In this very first lyric, Kiwanuka challenges my whole world-view. And it’s good to challenge this because I can’t possibly rule the world. That’s a ridiculous ideal that I can simply never achieve. Even wanting to rule the world is dooming you to disappointment at not being able to achieve it and guilt that you aren’t good enough.

Powerful stuff and we are one line in.

As we approach the chorus, we learn that Kiwanuka’s answer is a definitive “no”. You don’t have to rule the world. In fact, you need others’ help and you need it all the time. A more realistic path forward:

Help me to see
Who I can be
Help me to know
Where I can go

I have struggled in my life in asking for help. In acknowledging the power of those around me to participate in life. In my worship of rugged individualism, I have missed out on something and Kiwanuka is talking about it. When he sang this verse to me, I began to weep. Truly and honestly, he was able to show me how vulnerable I am and how starved I am for a feeling of belonging, of being part of a team, of not having to bear all that weight by myself.

A little further on, as if it wasn’t already enough, he just hits me hard, right in the feels:

Show me love, show me happiness
I can’t do this on my own

As I write this post, I am feeling it all over again. There’s a lot of life that I can do on my own. But these things: love. happiness. I can’t do them. They don’t work while I am on my own.

Kiwanuka was impressive at delivering this song as he was able to break through the wall of being just another member of the crowd and talk to me personally, in an intimate way, and a way that I desperately need. He is a beautiful man with an amazing talent.

How did I get here?

So, I had this moment and I just shared it with you. But this moment only happened because my entire life lead up to it. So, how did I get to the place where a man singing about needing love would make me weep in public? I think I know some of it.

As a child, I always had to be strong, to be the rock, to be the force of stability in my family. When I was 5 I had to tell my father to take my sister and I away from the life we were leading and move us to a different country. I recognized that my life had already become so absolutely fucked that we needed a reboot. Take a moment on that… I had to tell my father, a grown man, what the right thing to do was and I was 5. I had to be the man because my parents were acting as children. I have had to be strong and tell myself that I didn’t even need the support of my parents since I was younger than my kids are now. I am finally starting to realize how completely fucked that was and I think it’s okay to be angry at my stolen childhood.

As a teen, I discovered Objectivism, and it resonated strongly with me. Here was a philosophy that said that all my independence and outsider status was to be worshiped, was the ideal. It stroked my ego in a way that nothing had before. It gave me validation and at the same time gave me an excuse to ignore others. To be so self-assured that I could just bulldoze forward no matter what.

I think that the above would have been fine except that I added the gasoline to the fire in the form of cannabis. Weed is a hell of a drug and I think it really set me back in two ways: it made me okay with being bored, and it made me anti-social and quiet. When this was mixed with the self-support that I learned from a rough childhood and the worship of individualism that I got from Objectivism, it brought me into a shell that I stayed in for 30 years. “I am alone and I’m proud of it” is what I told myself. And the weed made me okay with that, a little uncomfortable reaching out to others.

All of this came out in 5 minutes at a concert. Wow! These moments are where our lives can change. It’s no wonder that I cried.

Meal: BLT Salad with Chicken and Homemade Ranch

One of my “go to” lunches that leaves me full and happy! I calculate the nutrition info as: 636 calories, 71g protein, 35g fat, 8g net carbs (12g total carbs, 4g fiber)

The ingredients:

Romaine Lettuce (4.5 oz)
Tomato (3.5 oz)
Bacon (1.5 oz)
Chicken breast (4.75 oz)
Homemade Ranch (2 oz)

The prep:

Cook bacon on sheet pan at 400F for 25-30 minutes
Chicken prep:
- Bring breasts to room temp
- Brine for 30 minutes in a strong salt water solution
- Dry and brush with butter
- Sprinkle liberally with salt, pepper, and herbs de provence
- Repeat butter and seasoning on both sides
- Cook at 400F until internal temp reaches 165
Ranch prep:
- Make seasoning mix and store for multiple preps:
  - 2 tsp black pepper
  - 3/4 cup parsley flakes
  - 1/3 cup garlic powder
  - 1/3 cup onion powder
  - 2 tbsp salt
  - 1 tbps dried dill
- Mix wet ingredients:
  - Mayonnaise, sour cream, heavy whipping cream in a ratio of 1:1:1
  - Add a dash of lemon juice
- Add seasoning mix to wet ingredients in a ratio of approximately 1.5 tbsp per cup
Make all ingredients ahead of time and create salads daily
- Lettuce on the bottom
- Add tomato, chicken, bacon on top
- Keep dressing separate until ready to eat
- Add dressing and shake to coat (dressing will be thick!)

Cheat Mode for Weight Loss

After a lifetime of my weight going up and down, losing the same 40 pounds over and over and over, I have found the secret cheat mode. Up-down-up-down-A-B-B-A! For real, the secret is eating a ketogenic diet and using intermittent fasting to trigger weight loss. It’s the one-two punch: one is the keto diet leaves you feeling satiated in a way that eating carbs does not. Two, is that intermittent fasting drops weight off of your body without slowing down your metabolism. They work together to overcome the diet fatigue that has happened to me every other time I’ve tried to lose weight.

Seriously, I’ve tracked my weight over more than ten years and I can see the process happening over and over again. I get to about 210 pounds and I feel uncomfortable so I start to diet. I spend 3 or 4 months on a calorie restricted diet to get back down to somewhere in the 170s and then my progress slows, I am starved and demoralized and I give up. And you know what happens then? The very next day I start to increase again slowly marching back up to the same 210 number that makes it all start over again. And it’s demoralizing as hell to go through that. I blame myself for “not having the strength” or for being addicted to food and beer.

But it’s not my fault! It’s not yours either if you have lived through the same thing, and I know that we all have. The food we eat leave us unsatisfied, always craving more, and make our bodies hold on to fat like we’re about to take a trek to the north pole! Eating a keto diet gives you satiety, or satisfaction, without needing to stuff yourself. If you keep with it, you learn to notice the point where you achieve satiety when you are eating and, you’re not going to believe this, just stop when you’ve eaten enough. I didn’t believe it when I was first learning about this stuff but it’s true! I don’t count calories, I don’t weigh food, I don’t deprive myself at all; I simply eat the foods I know are good for me and I eat until I’ve had enough. And I lose weight doing this!

Well, I am skipping one part as I explain it here and that part is intermittent fasting (IF). Eating the right foods gives you the satiety and teaches you when you’ve had enough. You use this tool to (you’re not going to believe me again) skip meals! That’s it. That’s the secret. You just eat until your full and then don’t eat again until it’s mealtime. And you eat 1 or 2 times a day. And really, you’re not hungry when you’re not eating! You’re just fine. In fact, you’re better than fine; you have extra energy, a better mindset, your skin is clearer, your body feels great, and you’re sharper. Like you’re having your best day: every day!

I am at the lowest weight I’ve been at in 10 years. And when I’ve done this in the past, I’ve suffered a very low metabolism. I was getting chilly, I was eating 1000 calories a day and not losing any more weight. I was constantly hungry, even right after finishing a meal. It sucked. No wonder I would stop and go right back to gaining weight. This time though, I am happy to keep going. I am not wanting for anything. I enjoy awesome food every day, I eat until I am full, I rarely feel hunger, I am able to drink when I want to, I am able to eat snacks at game nights or movie nights. I am not depriving myself and I am also not fat! Cheat mode.

So, what and when do you eat?

I follow an 18/6 intermittent fasting schedule. This means I don’t eat for 18 hours each day and I eat all my food in a 6 hour window. During the 18 hours, I drink water, herbal tea, and coffee with no creamer or sweetener. I don’t take any calories at all during this time.

I eat my lunch around noon or 1PM. For lunch, I aim for about 600-800 calories and under 10g of carb. I usually have salad with some combo of chicken, bacon, and hard-boiled egg with a homemade creamy dressing. My dressings are decidedly not low-fat! They are delicious and make my salads very satisfying, especially when combined with lots of proteins. Then the greens give me the crunchy mouthfeel that makes the whole thing come together to break my fast with lots of satiety and pleasure.

I aim to finish my dinner as close to 6PM as possible so as to limit my eating to the 6 hour window. But I don’t stress too hard if it doesn’t happen on any given night. Dinners tend to be a protein, two vegetables, and some sort of sauce to pull it all together. Again, it is not in any way low-fat so flavor is high and it leaves me very satisfied. Here I aim for 700-900 calories and again less than 10g of carb. When I am eating this much, and it is delicious meat with lovely sauce, it doesn’t feel like I am dieting at all!

To give an idea of dinners, some of my current favorites:

Salmon baked with lemon and butter with cauliflower and asparagus on the side with pour-over lemon butter
Tex-Mex beef casserole covered with melted monterey jack cheese served with salad, guacamole, sour cream, salsa and cheese
Chicken casserole with black olives, feta cheese in a creamy pesto sauce with spinach on the side
Meatloaf covered with bacon and served with a pour-over cream gravy

I rarely snack outside of these two meals. Snacking has switched from me trying to achieve satiety after meals to a more social experience. I snack now because I am meeting a friend or having a game night and food is part of the social experience. When I do snack I enjoy things like nuts, pork rinds, berries, or pickles.

Do you cheat?

Yes. I eat outside of my window and I go over on my carbs. I forgive myself for it and just get right back to it the next day. I’m going to say that again: I forgive myself. In the past, I used an incident where I broke the diet as an excuse to break the diet completely. I was looking for a way out and a cheat gave me the push I was looking for to get away. This is different. I feel better when I am eating this way so I am not looking for a way out. Sure, some ice cream may tempt me or I drink too much and have some late-night munchies but the next day, I am happy to get back to my way of eating. I feel better when I do. So, I forgive myself and move on. No big deal.

This is profound! And it’s why I believe that this will be forever. No more back and forth with my weight. No more lack of control. No more guilt. I’m done with all that now. I’m in charge and I’m listening to my body and it’s speaking clearly to me. I’ve found the cheat code and, just like using those old NES codes, playing this way makes me like a god.

Quick Take: Michael Kiwanuka @ Showbox – Jan 29

This was my reaction sent to John @ KEXP the morning after seeing this show:

John –

So many things can get in the way of “it”. Sometimes the people behind you are talking too loudly. Sometimes there’s not enough room to dance. The venue is too hot or too cold. The sound isn’t quite right. Sometimes the artist is just having an off night; or you are. None of that was happening last night at Michael Kiwanuka’s show! From the moment the lights dimmed until the roar of the crowd after the last note, “it” was happening. Skin tingling, soul soaring, grinning ear-to-ear, dancing like nobody was watching; “it” was at the ShowBox last night.

I think that you know about “it”, John, and I think many of the morning faithful know about it too. I want to thank you for teaching me about Michael Kiwanuka because he is a man well versed in handling “it” and delivering “it” to an audience. For me it all peaked last night around the song “Rule the World”; as Michael sang “Show me love, show me happiness, I can’t do this on my own” I wept and danced and it was one of those moments that I hope for our of life. Truly, you are not alone. I am not alone. We are not alone.

My request this morning is for that song “Rule the World” by Michael Kiwanuka as an attempt to share “it” with those who couldn’t be there last night.

Thank you for everything you do!

Stay awhile and listen

What is this blog about?

This is a space for me to write about the things I love and the things I am thinking about. It is a window into my thoughts and opinions. The things I think I’m going to write about are music, food, games, and my own personal growth. But I’m starting this with an open-mind about where we are going and just see where the road leads.

The blog is anonymous and this is important to me. By keeping it separate from my identity, I think that I can be more honest and open. I want to use this as a space to evaluate my own opinions and feelings; I want to allow myself to be surprised by what I write here. I don’t want my fear of being discovered to influence my writing here. I ask that if you read, and if you interact with me, then you do it under a pseudonym.

Why am I writing it?

I am learning about myself and this will be a tool to further that process. I am in my 40’s so you might expect that I know who I am, that I am comfortable in my skin but I have recently been surprised to find how little I do know.

I think that I haven’t been honest with myself and I spent most of my life believing my own bravado. We create a persona that is how we present ourselves to others and that “outfit” gets more and more comfortable the longer you wear it. I am finding that my outfit was a costume that I think I created when I was a teenager and I don’t think it fits anymore.

This blog is a way of my breaking out of that. To give a concrete example, I spent most of my life believing that my love of music was a love of the party; my favorites always had a “scene” that was as attractive (or more!) than the music itself. This lead me to miss out on a lot of things; I told myself for years that “I don’t like music with lyrics” and now I see that was just wrong. Not true at all. Where did that even come from? The very act of exploring new music and writing about it here will help me to dismantle these errors of thought that I’ve been carrying for years. Decades, even.

Who know what else I’m going to learn was wrong? I’m excited to find out!

But this isn’t about regretting the mistakes or errors of my past. This isn’t a pity party. This is an awakening; a phoenix being reborn from the ashes (of a bowl?). This is positive and life-affirming, and FUCK YEAH! This is punk-rock and jumping up and down like nobody is watching. This is how I want the second half of my life to be; as good as I can possibly make it.

Who is it for?

Simple: it’s for me.

It can be for you as well if you want it to be. But I’m not writing for you. I’m writing for me. I want to document this because I think it’s going to be important. I want to remember this no matter what happens.

While I’m not writing to stroke my narcissistic need for validation from you, the internet strangers, I would enjoy interaction and to hear your opinions as well. I’m not asking for some “safe space” where nobody will challenge me or is an echo chamber. But I’m also not going to make efforts to build an audience or pander. If you enjoy the content, then engage, talk with me, help me on my way.

This is for the people I love as well. I am not always able to be as open as I want to be and this is a space where you can see the way I am talking with myself. I don’t share the conversation I have with myself often; even with those I love deeply. This can be a tool to share them.

What is this NOT about?

Despite my nom de plume, Galt, this is not about Objectivism. It is not a viewpoint blog where I want to convince anyone of anything. You may (or may not) notice that I assume an Objectivist philosophy but that’s not where I want to go with this. As I get older, my Objectivism is a smaller, and private, part of who I am.

I don’t care to talk about who is president, about how we pay for our healthcare, or about the politics of the day. Nobody is changing anyone else’s mind on these things and it’s not fun to try.

If anyone does pick this blog up and start interacting with me, I warn that I will just delete attempts to troll by raising tribal conflicts.